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...a piece of it...

yeah I'm a gypsy
from my heart down to my legs
i say i love you
and walk away...

there have been a lot of girls who i said could have all my love, and if you think it's frustrating for them, you're one hundred percent right; I've left many holes for the tears to fill while i retreat, seemingly only to make more. If the human heart had a construction crew I'd be the weather which all the hard hats spew profanity at, but I'm just as much a force of nature as all the people I've come into contact with; waves don't complain when they crash into each other, they just keep going until they reach some distant shore, just to leave and crash into something else, humans, as far as i'm concerned, are just as resiliant...

I don't want to level anyone to the ground, i don't want to crash and burn...

but...





...as if...

they're watching, keeping their telescopes aimed so vigilantly
setting up traps in all these haunted places
and just when we think it's a ghost town
we feel them over hear us
and we scuttle away into shadows

it seems that no matter how hard i try and pinpoint the exactitude; it slips away to create some winding path that will only end in more educated stab wound patterns, it's silly; have you ever tried so hard to figure out who your editor is, and then you remember you appointed on along ago, and you gave her all the keys to all your not so safely kept secrets, well i feel like Natalie is on to me, i feel like you're all on to me, but at the same time i feel like it's just a sick little joke i'm playing on myself, get myself real excited like, and then wait for someones pokerface...


 so be it...

...sure, do it...

you can now view all my entries from my old journal, i took any private entry and made it public, so if by some morbid curiosity you decided to go there, i'm not hiding anything...

such-a-good-boy.livejournal.com/
after years of killing myself over and over again, just to come back; i have come home, to a state of mind that looks like a set of blinds just begging you to see what's on the other side, do i still seem foolish, well good; i am...

i don't really know what to start all the time and I'm not concerned where to finish, my heart doesn't race against guilt... i don't feel incomplete even though others have their complaints about my speed or "lack" of progress...

as opposed to my normal yearly synopsis on new years, i'm gonna toss it up now, not that I'm asking permission from you, but i do enjoy explaining myself, i really do, more so then most people are willing to hear most of the time, but i'm not doing it for you...


  so, lets see...

 so much has happened, but then again, it's been mainly a revolution of my own mind; the realization that i have to make peace with myself, or i'll always be waging war on my psyche has been a long time coming, and recently my brain got knocked over, spilt out the contents, and almost left me for dead; it let out all the skeletons and invited my friends over to shake hands with all my dirty little parts...

i suppose it was all the acid, but then again; i've been harboring guilt for things that i dreamt i did, vocalizing them like some sociopathic town cryer; as for the remorse i've had for the terrible things i really did, it's a work in progress to retrace my steps and assure the affected parties that my sincerest apologies are theirs to have and i don't need an answer as to wether or not they forgive me, i don't chase forgiveness like some prize to be won and hoarded; i say sorry for my own heart...


my head was always in the clouds, and my heart was a lead balloon, with free rides for every tom, dick and jane; the only stipulation being is that you have to deal with my behavior, which was more driven by greed , envy and fear than all the i love yous, have a nice days, and i hope your okays i wrestled away from people with clever little schemes and forked tounge kisses; i made myself into a two way mirror that showed people what they wanted to see and at the same time kept me safe from their invasive questioning, hungry eyes and for the most part, loving hearts...

this is the time, to break away and bring together...

...needs...

! ) get my things to a place where i won't be an annoyance to my girlfriend...

@ ) invest my monies into something that brings joy to others...

# ) make more lists...

$ ) love...

%) stop stressing about where good karma comes from, and accept that you too have done good things...

^ )  get a laptop, so i can vent on my own time instead of having to ask if i can borrow other peoples...

& ) thank everyone for doing exactly what they're doing...

* ) stop being angry...

( ) stop and look around...

) ) but don't take too long, or you may just get left behind...



 sorry if i ever seem too needy, i have a lot of things i want to do all at the same time...

...

class was in today, so was i...
went to church, to find god
wore a name tag and defied my law
please see through me
the principals office was never too far to walk...

amen, Monday is time to put on my business socks...

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...for right now...

today i thought extreme home makeovers took over my life, it was silly...

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so sanity it seems has slipped back into my line of sight. this whole ordeal of disorganized behavior under a sheet of bulging eyes, deliberate movements, and a shit ton of imagination has left clarity of mind  in it's wake, it cut through my brain stem like some back alley surgeon but he put it back together, and then added robot parts...

i've got to take it one day at a time...

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